Periods are weird and stupid, and they do weird and stupid things to my body. Ladies, I know you feel me on this. Having a period is awful in every way possible. Your hormones are out to get you, everyone misunderstands your pain and labels you a “bitch,” and you have to deal with this shit every goddamn month until you hit menopause.
“Quit your whining,” the dudes say. “PMS was made up so women could act like spoiled divas and make our lives hell.” Um, YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE. Also, if men had to deal with this shit, the whole world would freaking shut down so governments, scientists, pharmaceutical companies, and disease control centers could spend time developing a permanent cure for menstruation that could be handed out for free (at taxpayers’ expense, of course). So you shut your non-vagina hole.
Back to what I was saying. Periods suck, and they have a tendency to bring out the worst in me. Typically, I see five different versions of myself while perioding (Yes, it’s a verb now). I call them “monsters.” Usually, I only become one or two monsters during my period. But occasionally, I’ll become a combination of three, four, or all five. And let me tell you…becoming all five is some scary shit, my friends.
Let’s meet these asshole monsters, shall we?
(Author’s Note: These “monsters” don’t happen to every woman. They’re specific to my experiences, and they’re ridiculously inconvenient.)
The Eat-Everything-In-Sight Monster
This is one of the worst because I end up eating like a 13-year-old boy whose parents left him $300 for food while they’re out of town. Pair that with extreme bloating and feelings of guilt for the way I’m eating, and it turns into a bad situation. And it’s not just like, “Hmm, I think I’ll have another slice of pizza.” It’s more like “I’m going to make bacon-covered nachos with a fried egg and a side of cookies ‘n cream ice cream, and then I’ll have a burger between two donuts later.”
The Irrational Rage Monster
Dropping a fork on the floor, the sounds of computer keyboards, traffic moving slowly—these are all everyday things that I deal with like a normal person. But when my period comes, they’re suddenly unbearable because my senses are elevated to superhuman levels. Have you ever shouted at the wind for blowing on your face? I have. Because I turn into a crazy person who loses the ability to cope with insignificant irritations that I would otherwise ignore on regular days.
The Fatigue Monster
Bleeding day and night is tough work, dude—or my body thinks it is. Going to bed earlier and not wanting to wake up at decent time is awful because my brain is able to calculate that I’ve gotten more than enough sleep (around 10 hours), but my body is under the impression that I went on a 72-hour bender. Now, imagine trying to go to work and accomplish tasks when you’re this tired. At least I haven’t answered an email with “Good sausage, brain no barf on days.” Yet.
The Sad-For-No-Reason Monster
I once cried while driving because I saw a plane in the sky. Yeah, I have no clue what the hell happened there either, and that’s because the sadness that randomly comes with my period strikes me when I least expect it. It never makes sense. It’s not like I think about my dogs dying or breaking up with my significant other. No, the misery just finds the closest thing and is like, “That’ll do.” Then, I’m depressed the rest of the day about something that has nothing to do with my life.
The Disgusting Slob Monster
Being lazy when I’m on my period is the most common. And who could blame me when my back, my uterus, my brain, my boobs, and my joints all hurt simultaneously? Did I mention there’s extreme bloating and constipation, too? It’s a phase that’s both beautiful and repulsive from my perspective. On the one hand, I’m like, “Hell yes, sweatpants and watching TV with unwashed hair and no makeup. Screw the world!” On the other hand, I’m like, “The dog just got up and moved because I passed gas. Even the dog thinks I’m disgusting.”
Do you have “monsters,” too? Tell me about them in the comments!