The 5 Monsters of Menstruation (with GIFs)

Periods are weird and stupid, and they do weird and stupid things to my body. Ladies, I know you feel me on this. Having a period is awful in every way possible. Your hormones are out to get you, everyone misunderstands your pain and labels you a “bitch,” and you have to deal with this shit every goddamn month until you hit menopause.

“Quit your whining,” the dudes say. “PMS was made up so women could act like spoiled divas and make our lives hell.” Um, YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE. Also, if men had to deal with this shit, the whole world would freaking shut down so governments, scientists, pharmaceutical companies, and disease control centers could spend time developing a permanent cure for menstruation that could be handed out for free (at taxpayers’ expense, of course). So you shut your non-vagina hole.

Back to what I was saying. Periods suck, and they have a tendency to bring out the worst in me. Typically, I see five different versions of myself while perioding (Yes, it’s a verb now). I call them “monsters.” Usually, I only become one or two monsters during my period. But occasionally, I’ll become a combination of three, four, or all five. And let me tell you…becoming all five is some scary shit, my friends.

Let’s meet these asshole monsters, shall we?

(Author’s Note: These “monsters” don’t happen to every woman. They’re specific to my experiences, and they’re ridiculously inconvenient.)

The Eat-Everything-In-Sight Monster

This is one of the worst because I end up eating like a 13-year-old boy whose parents left him $300 for food while they’re out of town. Pair that with extreme bloating and feelings of guilt for the way I’m eating, and it turns into a bad situation. And it’s not just like, “Hmm, I think I’ll have another slice of pizza.” It’s more like “I’m going to make bacon-covered nachos with a fried egg and a side of cookies ‘n cream ice cream, and then I’ll have a burger between two donuts later.”

There's Cake GIFMabel eating smile dippizza GIFSpongebob GIFtumblr_m3zq3ssj7S1rpntkyCrying and Eating GIFMean Girls GIF

The Irrational Rage Monster

Dropping a fork on the floor, the sounds of computer keyboards, traffic moving slowly—these are all everyday things that I deal with like a normal person. But when my period comes, they’re suddenly unbearable because my senses are elevated to superhuman levels. Have you ever shouted at the wind for blowing on your face? I have. Because I turn into a crazy person who loses the ability to cope with insignificant irritations that I would otherwise ignore on regular days.

Shark GIFThe Shining GIFAvengers GIFfired 30 rock gifBreak Computer GIFMichael Office GIFParks and Rec GIF

The Fatigue Monster

Bleeding day and night is tough work, dude—or my body thinks it is. Going to bed earlier and not wanting to wake up at decent time is awful because my brain is able to calculate that I’ve gotten more than enough sleep (around 10 hours), but my body is under the impression that I went on a 72-hour bender. Now, imagine trying to go to work and accomplish tasks when you’re this tired. At least I haven’t answered an email with “Good sausage, brain no barf on days.” Yet.

sleep is great Kristen Wiig GIFtumblr_m396cuboL11rn23iqBoo sleep gifsleeping gif sleeping gif

The Sad-For-No-Reason Monster

I once cried while driving because I saw a plane in the sky. Yeah, I have no clue what the hell happened there either, and that’s because the sadness that randomly comes with my period strikes me when I least expect it. It never makes sense. It’s not like I think about my dogs dying or breaking up with my significant other. No, the misery just finds the closest thing and is like, “That’ll do.” Then, I’m depressed the rest of the day about something that has nothing to do with my life.

tumblr_mggf99GD701qaib74o1_500Ariel GIFtumblr_mawd2e6wuU1qds59io1_500 Molly Ringwald GIF Dr Who GIFMeg GIF

The Disgusting Slob Monster

Being lazy when I’m on my period is the most common. And who could blame me when my back, my uterus, my brain, my boobs, and my joints all hurt simultaneously? Did I mention there’s extreme bloating and constipation, too? It’s a phase that’s both beautiful and repulsive from my perspective. On the one hand, I’m like, “Hell yes, sweatpants and watching TV with unwashed hair and no makeup. Screw the world!” On the other hand, I’m like, “The dog just got up and moved because I passed gas. Even the dog thinks I’m disgusting.”

Jim Gaffigan GIF remote-lazy-gif Will Ferrell NOPE GIFSweatpants GIFmama june gif Futurama GIF

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Do you have “monsters,” too? Tell me about them in the comments!

5 thoughts on “The 5 Monsters of Menstruation (with GIFs)

  1. “So you shut your non-vagina hole” may be my new favorite go-to line. I once told a guy who didn’t have to deal with the same weight gain as me (he is a parent too) that I literally BIRTHED three children, not just contribute fluids to the recipe. Guys suck all over.

  2. Hi Bailey, I’m Shannon. Heidi tagged me on Twitter and told me to read this. Have you been eavesdropping on our text string? Because, 38 percent of all my texts to Heidi involve me complaining about any one of these monsters you’ve named.

    I have never shouted at the wind, but I have screamed at a tag on my shirt. It had it coming. It knew my skin is uber-sensitive during “these times”, it was irritating me on purpose. Let’s just say, it doesn’t irritate me anymore. And I now have a hole in my shirt.

    I also cry at the drop of a hat. Seriously. If you dropped your hat, I’d probably cry. Because, you know, that’s sad, for you and the hat.

    Don’t get me started on the fatigue. I’d estimate 18 days out of every month I sleep 14 hours a day and spend 9 hours at work thinking about sleeping, or questioning if I actually am asleep and this is all a dream. (That remaining hour is spent eating everything that isn’t nailed down.)

    I think the only two monsters I have that you didn’t mention are…

    The Lack of Focus and Memory Monster
    Involves hours of staring at my computer screen trying to focus long enough to read a two paragraph article without re-reading the first paragraph five times because I lost my place. Also involves a lot of walking into rooms, staring, swearing, turning around and leaving, sitting back down, and THEN remembering why I went in that other room.

    The I Need To Be Around People!! / Why Are There So Many PEOPLE Around Me? Get AWAY! Monster
    That yearning to be around people in the hopes of boosting your mood and then physically recoiling in their actual presence. (I’m LONELY! Where is everybody?!) “Oh, hello, nice people who are trying to be pleasant to me.” (Ugh. Why can’t everybody just leave me alone!!)

    Sorry to be long-winded, but this is a topic close to my heart and my uterus.

    Good stuff! You spoke the truth and made me laugh!

    P.S. I am writing this, literally, while wearing sweatpants and eating pizza…for the third night in a row.

    1. HAHAHA! Your monsters are hilarious. The Lack of Focus/Memory Monster is basically my everyday life (even when I’m not perioding). I walk into rooms like, “What am I doing here?” Then, the moment I walk into a different room, I’m like, “Damn! I was supposed to grab scissors!”

      And I can totally sympathize with the Need to Be Around People/Get Away from Me Monster. You’re in desperate need of comfort, but at the same time, you’re contemplating killing them for being too close.

      Thanks for the love!

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