2015 Summer Movie Preview

Hot damn! This is a busy summer of superhero pissing contests, Pixar convincing you to talk to your therapist, badass raptor squads, explosions that rival pants-shitting, and (of course, because we can’t go a single movie season without them) movies that should never, ever, ever see the light of day ever, ever, ever.

Let’s take a closer look at the movies coming out between May and August. (Note: I might miss a few movies that arrive last-minute. Also, keep in mind that release dates could change between now and then.)

Avengers: Age of Ultron (May 1)

We all know this movie is going to be huge. The Avengers holds the third place spot in the all-time worldwide box office, and “I’ve Got No Strings” is now the soundtrack of my nightmares. Don’t even get me started on Cap throwing his motorcycle into bad guys. Or Thor using his hammer to hit Cap’s shield into bad guys. Or Black Widow just being motherf***ing Black Widow. I want it, and I want it now. Get at me, Marvel. And bring several servings of James Spader!

Hot Pursuit (May 8)

Is this the title of that video where Reese Witherspoon got arrested for being a drunken, entitled asshole? No? Okay, well, I rolled my eyes nine times while watching this trailer (I counted). Between Witherspoon’s grating Southern accent, which pops in and out, and Sofia Vergara’s tired “hot Latina” act, I’m already bored.

Before I Wake (May 8)

How many times do people in horror movies have to learn the “Don’t adopt a rando” lesson? The kid always turns out to be Satan, a serial killer, or an accidental monster-dimension opener, the latter of which happens in this movie. Look, the special effects are going to be cool here, but I can’t help but feel like I’ve seen this shit before.

Mad Max: Fury Road (May 15)

Normally, I’d say leave ’80s movies in the past where they belong, but I’ll give Mad Max a pass here. The reboot looks batshit crazy, and I’m rather fond of batshit crazy movies (Although, I’m not as fond of batshit crazy people, like Mel Gibson, the original Mad Max).

Pitch Perfect 2 (May 15)

YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT I’M GOING TO SING ALONG.

Tomorrowland (May 22)

I still don’t know what to think about this movie. The production design looks amazing, and I love George Clooney and Hugh Laurie. But the plot establishes a “chosen one” theme (You already bought Star Wars, guys), and we have another movie based on an area of Disney World. Theme park propaganda? You bet your ass it is.

Spy (May 22)

Yet another movie that has me on the fence. Paul Feig, director of Bridesmaids and The Heat (and the all-female Ghostbusters), is pretty reliable. But I’m worried that this is going to turn into the typical Melissa McCarthy “HAHA, SHE’S FAT AND DUMB” punchline.

San Andreas (May 29)

Oh, look! Our yearly disaster movie has arrived, and this time, it’s about the San Andreas fault in California! But hey, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is there, so he’ll Wrestling Jesus his way to safety. Can you smell what he’s cooking? I can. It smells like a C+ at best.

Aloha (May 29)

Military Silver Linings Playbook? That’s kind of what it looks like. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I think this will be a good movie, but oh how predictable it already is. You know B.Coop and Emma Stone will end up together because they don’t get along immediately.

Insidious: Chapter 3 (June 5)

Oh, for f***’s sake. Why is this called “Chapter 3” if the story came before the stories of Insidious and Insidious: Chapter 2? Do people not understand how chronology works anymore? Also, call it “Volume,” not “Chapter,” you mediocre dunces. Regardless of the title, this movie looks like another copy+paste pile of horror movie shit.

Entourage (June 5)

I never watched Entourage, so I’m straight Switzerland about this.

Jurassic World (June 12)

I’m going to pretend I didn’t see the clip with the terrible dialogue between Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard and just focus on the dinosaurs doing their dinosaur shit. Raptor squad? Hell yes! Dino-gator that eats a Great White? Get that shit! A genetically-modified terror that wants to eat children? You had me at AHHHHHHHH!

Inside Out (June 19)

Pixar’s Inside Out is about a young girl and her anthropomorphized emotions dealing with a move from the Midwest to San Francisco. Amy Poehler is Joy, Bill Hader is Fear, Mindy Kaling is Disgust, Lewis Black is Anger, and Phyllis Smith is Sadness, so it will be hilarious. That said, I’m also kind of worried I might cry…because it’s Pixar.

Ted 2 (June 26)

Ted was hysterical. A Million Ways to Die in the West was not. Right now, I can’t tell whether this movie is leaning more toward Ted writing or Million Ways writing, which isn’t good. And where’s Mila?!

Terminator: Genisys (July 1)

Yeah, I have four things (in order of importance):
1) SIT DOWN, ARNOLD.
2) Hollywood, stop trying to make Jai Courtney a thing.
3) The Khaleesi deserves better than this, though she’ll be awesome.
4) Did they seriously pull a “go-back-in-time” to reboot this?

Magic Mike XXL (July 1)

I giggle profusely every time I watch this trailer, and it’s not because it makes me blush and feel dirty. More like it’s because Magic Mike is so ridiculously campy, and I love how it just owns the shit out of it. Also, can we all just agree that Joe Manganiello isn’t acting here?

Minions (July 10)

I SMELL MERCHANDISE.

Ant-Man (July 17)

I’m not pants-dropping excited about Ant-Man (like I am with The Avengers: Age of Ultron), even though I love Marvel and Paul Rudd. I think it’s because I know so little about this comic book. And I’m still sad about Edgar Wright’s departure as director. That said, Rudd is going to work this so hard, and it will probably turn out just fine.

Trainwreck (July 17)

Amy Schumer is one of my favorite comedians right now, and she is the star and writer of this movie (with Judd Apatow in the director’s chair). I’m so down with this whole gender role-reversal story, too.

Poltergeist (July 24)

The 1982 Poltergeist is my #1 favorite horror film, so the fact that they’ve remade it doesn’t sit well in my stomach…like a bad burrito.

Pan (July 24)

Hugh Jackman’s wig looks awful, Tigerlily got whitewashed and Coachella’d, and Captain Hook is now an Indiana Jones-like hunk. I’m going to go ahead and give this movie a giant LOL NOPE.

Pixels (July 24)

I’m always down for video game throwback, but Wreck-It Ralph beat this movie to the punch. Not to mention, this story is basically ripped from Futurama’s “Raiders of the Lost Arcade.” Sure, mulleted Peter Dinklage might be worth it, but Adam Sandler and Kevin James are involved, so I think it’s safe to say this movie will be a pile of shit.

Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation (July 31)

HOW MANY MORE OF THESE MOVIES DO I HAVE TO ENDURE?

The Fantastic Four (August 7)

I wasn’t super excited for (nor was I dreading) this movie, but now that they’ve released this trailer, I’m at least curious. The effects look cool, the story doesn’t seem dumb, and Michael B. Jordan is going to be awesome as Johnny Storm (Bye, haters!).

Masterminds (August 7)

Yeaaaaaah, I’m wary here. The trailer is giving me one of those “This is either going to be surprisingly good or predictably terrible” vibes.

Straight Outta Compton (August 14)

A story about THE “gangsta rap” hip-hop group from the ’80s and ’90s dealing with race relations interwoven with kick-ass music? Um, hell yeah. Also, I’d like to point out that you wouldn’t think that the issues in this story would still be relevant to black culture today, yet here we are. Sounds like we all need to go see this movie.

The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (August 14)

The Man from U.N.C.L.E., starring Bland (Armie Hammer) and Blander (Henry Cavill). Though if this movie does turn out to be decent, it will only be because Guy Ritchie had a hand in it.

Sinister 2 (August 21)

OH FOR GOD’S SAKE.

Hitman: Agent 47 (August 28)

And you can tell we’re at the end of the “summer blockbuster” season with this movie. It so desperately wants to be cool…

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s