This featured image perfectly sums up Leo’s Golden Globes win last night. It’s like he’s tasted blood and won’t stop until he gets more. Look at the determination in his eyes. He’s coming for you, Academy. He will wear you down until you give him that damn Oscar.
If you didn’t watch the 73rd Annual Golden Globes last night, you didn’t miss much. Ricky Gervais said things. The show went over its allotted time. So…the usual.
God, this show sucks. Every time they try to “jazz it up” with bits to keep the show from feeling boring, it feels even more boring. Not to mention, it slows down an already long-ass show about rich people giving rich people golden statues. They should separate film and TV into two different shows. One Saturday, one Sunday, 90 minutes each. YOU’RE WELCOME FOR THE IDEA, HFPA.
Don’t know if you noticed during that monologue, but Gervais cracked a joke about production companies paying to win awards. And the camera cut to Harvey Weinstein of The Weinstein Company, who’s been rumored to do exactly that. A+ WORK, CAMERAMAN.
Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill did a bit about the bear from The Revenant, who truly has the most thankless role in the entire film. That bear made Leo a star, goddamnit.
Jamie Foxx pulled a Steve Harvey, giving Straight Outta Compton the Best Original Score. Though if we’re being honest, Straight Outta Compton was unrightfully ignored at this ceremony, so I’m not sure Foxx was 100% joking.
Aziz Ansari had this year’s best camera-cut-to prop. Although, unfortunately, Jeffrey Tambor did NOT win, which would’ve made this gag even funnier.
Rob Lowe reminded us that he will never, ever, ever age.
Lady Gaga won Best Performance by an Actress in a Limited Series for American Horror Story: Hotel, passing a scoffing Leonardo DiCaprio, who was not alone in questioning the win (See: Patrick Wilson, Queen Latifah). His reaction is this year’s best bitchface.
Taraji P. Henson (a.k.a. Cookie Lyon) handed out cookies for her Empire win. And everyone was so happy because they probably starved themselves to fit in their outfits.
Denzel Washington was honored with this year’s Cecil B. DeMille Award. He brought his entire family (minus one kid, I believe) up to the stage with him and showed us just how awesome his wife, Paulette Washington, is.
Now, it’s time for the winners (Remember: I don’t cover TV). I made my predictions yesterday before the show. Let’s take a look at how I did. I use Nailed It for correct guesses, and Well, Shit for incorrect guesses.
Best Motion Picture – Drama = WELL, SHIT
- Mad Max: Fury Road
- The Revenant
Best Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy = NAILED IT
- The Big Short
- The Martian
Best Actor – Motion Picture Drama = NAILED IT
- Bryan Cranston, Trumbo
- Leonardo DiCaprio, The Revenant
- Michael Fassbender, Steve Jobs
- Eddie Redmayne, The Danish Girl
- Will Smith, Concussion
Best Actor – Motion Picture Musical or Comedy = NAILED IT
- Christian Bale, The Big Short
- Steve Carell, The Big Short
- Matt Damon, The Martian
- Al Pacino, Danny Collins
- Mark Ruffalo, Infinitely Polar Bear
Best Actress – Motion Picture Drama = NAILED IT
- Cate Blanchett, Carol
- Brie Larson, Room
- Rooney Mara, Carol
- Saoirse Ronan, Brooklyn
- Alicia Vikander, The Danish Girl
Best Actress – Motion Picture Musical or Comedy = WELL, SHIT
- Jennifer Lawrence, Joy
- Melissa McCarthy, Spy
- Amy Schumer, Trainwreck
- Maggie Smith, The Lady in the Van
- Lily Tomlin, Grandma
Best Supporting Actor = NAILED IT
- Paul Dano, Love & Mercy
- Idris Elba, Beasts of No Nation
- Mark Rylance, Bridge of Spies
- Michael Shannon, 99 Homes
- Sylvester Stallone, Creed
Best Supporting Actress = WELL, SHIT
- Jane Fonda, Youth
- Jennifer Jason Leigh, The Hateful Eight
- Helen Mirren, Trumbo
- Alicia Vikander, Ex Machina
- Kate Winslet, Steve Jobs
Best Director = NAILED IT
- Todd Haynes, Carol
- Alejandro González Iñárritu, The Revenant
- Tom McCarthy, Spotlight
- George Miller, Mad Max: Fury Road
- Ridley Scott, The Martian
Best Screenplay = WELL, SHIT
- Emma Donaghue, Room
- Tom McCarthy andJosh Singer, Spotlight
- Charles Randolph and Adam McKay, The Big Short
- Aaron Sorkin, Steve Jobs
- Quentin Tarantino, The Hateful Eight
Best Original Score = WELL, SHIT
- Carter Burwell, Carol
- Alexandre Desplat, The Danish Girl
- Ennio Morricone, The Hateful Eight
- Daniel Pemberton, Steve Jobs
- Ryuichi Sakamoto and Alva Noto, The Revenant
Best Original Song = WELL, SHIT
- “Love Me Like You Do” – 50 Shades of Grey
- “One Kind of Love” – Love & Mercy
- “See You Again” – Furious 7
- “Simple Song #3” – Youth
- “Writing’s On The Wall” – Spectre
Best Animated Feature Film = NAILED IT
- Inside Out
- Shaun the Sheep
- The Good Dinosaur
- The Peanuts Movie
If you’re wondering how well I did by numbers: NAILED IT (7), WELL, SHIT (6). Pretty even, so not bad. Here’s hoping I improve my predictions by the Oscars!
See a complete list of Golden Globe winners here.