Goodbye, internet memes of Leo struggling to win an Oscar. Hello, vocabulary in which we refer to Leo as “Academy Award winner Leonardo DiCaprio.”
So last night was the 88th Annual Academy Awards. Beyond Chris Rock’s scathing commentary on the #OscarsSoWhite controversy in the opening monologue (which you can watch here), it was another boring-ass awards show. And I say this as someone who consistently watches boring-ass awards shows (Joke’s on me).
Even with comedic bits to break up the monotony and the newly-introduced “Thank You” crawl to speed up acceptance speeches, the Oscars are still too freaking long. Either the film industry needs to revamp how filmmaking awards shows are done, or they need to take a cue from the Emmys and split the show into Daytime and Primetime slots (which they kind of already do with the Governors Awards and the Sci-Tech Awards).
Anyway, let’s talk some of the fun stuff that happened during the show before we get into the winners. First up? The “deleted scenes” from this year’s Best Picture nominees, in which black actors’ roles were cut.
Some of @ChrisRock‘s favorite deleted scenes. #Oscarshttps://t.co/TwhpqMEfdK
— The Academy (@TheAcademy) February 29, 2016
Mark Ruffalo’s wink gave everyone the tingles.
The bear from The Revenant made an appearance (but never got its much-deserved “Thank You” from Leo).
Chris Rock said what we were all thinking. And Michael B. Jordan stood there like “Yes, I deserve to be here.”
Director Tom Hooper provided us with the “Hello, I’m awkward” GIF we all needed (You’re welcome, Tumblr).
An adorable child missed his mark during one of Rock’s bits. Somewhere, there’s an irate producer screaming, “That kid will never work in Hollywood again!”
Rock did another bit where he made fun of asshat Stacey Dash for her anti-diversity remarks, and it fell totally flat. Also, Dash had no idea she was the butt of the joke.
But hey…Rock got back on track by having his daughter and some Los Angeles Girl Scouts sell cookies to the Oscars audience, who helped them raise $65,000+ (UPDATE 3/1: Turns out it was actually closer to $2,500).
Lady Gaga gave an emotional performance of her Oscar-nominated song “Til It Happens to You” from The Hunting Ground, during which sexual assault survivors took the stage. And it was beautiful and powerful and WHY IN THE HELL DID SAM SMITH WIN FOR A TERRIBLE BOND SONG?
Oh, yeah. And Room‘s Brie Larson and Jacob Tremblay proved they’re the best team you could ever hope for.
Best Motion Picture = NAILED IT
- The Big Short
- Bridge of Spies
- Brooklyn
- Mad Max: Fury Road
- The Martian
- The Revenant
- Room
- Spotlight
Best Actor = NAILED IT
- Bryan Cranston, Trumbo
- Matt Damon, The Martian
- Leonardo DiCaprio, The Revenant
- Michael Fassbender, Steve Jobs
- Eddie Redmayne, The Danish Girl
Best Actress = NAILED IT
- Cate Blanchett, Carol
- Brie Larson, Room
- Jennifer Lawrence, Joy
- Charlotte Rampling, 45 Years
- Saoirse Ronan, Brooklyn
Best Supporting Actor = NAILED IT
- Christian Bale, The Big Short
- Tom Hardy, The Revenant
- Mark Ruffalo, Spotlight
- Mark Rylance, Bridge of Spies
- Sylvester Stallone, Creed
Best Supporting Actress = NAILED IT
- Jennifer Jason Leigh, The Hateful Eight
- Rooney Mara, Carol
- Rachel McAdams, Spotlight
- Alicia Vikander, The Danish Girl
- Kate Winslet, Steve Jobs
Best Director = NAILED IT
- The Big Short, Adam McKay
- Mad Max: Fury Road, George Miller
- The Revenant, Alejandro G. Iñárritu
- Room, Lenny Abrahamson
- Spotlight, Tom McCarthy
Best Original Screenplay = WELL, SHIT
- Bridge of Spies, Matt Charman and Ethan Coen & Joel Coen
- Ex Machina, Alex Garland
- Inside Out, Pete Docter, Meg LeFauve, Josh Cooley; Original story by Pete Docter, Ronnie del Carmen
- Spotlight, Josh Singer & Tom McCarthy
- Straight Outta Compton, Jonathan Herman and Andrea Berloff; Story by S. Leigh Savidge & Alan Wenkus and Andrea Berloff
Best Adapted Screenplay = NAILED IT
- The Big Short, Charles Randolph and Adam McKay
- Brooklyn, Nick Hornby
- Carol, Phyllis Nagy
- The Martian, Drew Goddard
- Room, Emma Donoghue
Best Animated Feature Film = NAILED IT
- Anomalisa
- Boy and the World
- Inside Out
- Shaun the Sheep Movie
- When Marnie Was There
Best Cinematography = NAILED IT
- Carol
- The Hateful Eight
- Mad Max: Fury Road
- The Revenant
- Sicario
Best Film Editing = NAILED IT
- The Big Short
- Mad Max: Fury Road
- The Revenant
- Spotlight
- Star Wars: The Force Awakens
Best Production Design = NAILED IT
- Bridge of Spies
- The Danish Girl
- Mad Max: Fury Road
- The Martian
- The Revenant
Best Visual Effects = WELL, SHIT
- Ex Machina
- Mad Max: Fury Road
- The Martian
- The Revenant
- Star Wars: The Force Awakens
Best Sound Editing = WELL, SHIT
- Mad Max: Fury Road
- The Martian
- The Revenant
- Sicario
- Star Wars: The Force Awakens
Best Sound Mixing = WELL, SHIT
- Bridge of Spies
- Mad Max: Fury Road
- The Martian
- The Revenant
- Star Wars: The Force Awakens
Best Original Score = WELL, SHIT
- Bridge of Spies, Thomas Newman
- Carol, Carter Burwell
- The Hateful Eight, Ennio Morricone
- Sicario, Jóhann Jóhannsson
- Star Wars: The Force Awakens, John Williams
Best Original Song = WELL, SHIT
- “Earned It,” Fifty Shades of Grey (Music and Lyric by Abel Tesfaye, Ahmad Balshe, Jason Daheala Quenneville and Stephan Moccio)
- “Manta Ray,” Racing Extinction (Music by J. Ralph and Lyric by Antony Hegarty)
- “Simple Song #3,” Youth (Music and Lyric by David Lang)
- “Til it Happens to You,” The Hunting Ground (Music and Lyric by Diane Warren and Lady Gaga)
- “Writing’s on the Wall,” Spectre (Music and Lyric by Jimmy Napes and Sam Smith)
Best Makeup and Hairstyling = NAILED IT
- Mad Max: Fury Road
- The 100-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out a Window and Disappeared
- The Revenant
Best Costume Design = WELL, SHIT
- Carol
- Cinderella
- The Danish Girl
- Mad Max: Fury Road
- The Revenant
If you’re wondering how well I did by numbers: NAILED IT (12), WELL, SHIT (7). Yikes. I sucked this year.
See a complete list of Academy Award winners here.