Oh, don’t you worry. We’ll be talking about what’s probably the most awkward (and amazing) moment in Oscar history coming up here. But first…I swear these ceremonies get longer every year. And it’s not the speeches! It’s the bits! Like it’s one thing for a host to have a few bits (though Jimmy Kimmel did have A LOT of bits that could’ve and should’ve been cut), but does every presenter need to make sassy small talk? No. And come on, Hollywood. You do this on Sunday night before everyone has to wake up early? Ugh.
Jimmy Kimmel hosted the 2017 Academy Awards. He was fine. He dropped candy and donuts on the nominees, he trolled Donald Trump, and he kept his feud with Matt Damon alive. He had a few bits that were straight out of his late night show, like celebrities reading Mean Tweets and bringing surprised bus tourists into the Oscars (though you know they had to sign releases before going on a live show, so they weren’t really that surprised). The one thing he kept doing that annoyed me was that he kept making jokes at the expense of people of color’s names, which WTF, dude? You can’t talk about uniting the country by reaching out to people and then turn around and mock PoC for not having white people names.
Other highlights? Justin Timberlake was the worst. He’s so over the top all the time. It’s like the Justin show. And to make matters worse, he opened the show with that horrible pop song from Trolls.
One of the bus tourists got a kiss from Ryan Gosling, then Jimmy had Denzel Washington “marry” her and her fiancee.
Taraji P. Henson was all of us whenever food was around.
Katherine Johnson, the NASA mathematician who Taraji plays in Hidden Figures, made a surprise appearance and received a standing ovation (as she should). Also, she’s 98! WOW.
Casey Affleck took home Best Actor (and got a hug from big brother Ben), and Emma Stone took home Best Actress.
Mahershala Ali won Best Supporting Actor. He’s the first Muslim to win this award. And he gave an adorable shoutout to his wife, who just delivered their daughter four days before.
Viola Davis won Best Supporting Actress and continues her streak of amazing speeches. Also, she is a Grammy away from an EGOT.
Speaking of EGOT, Lin-Manuel Miranda unfortunately didn’t win Best Original Song for Moana, so he still needs an Oscar. But he didn’t care. He was having a blast. And god he is a delight!
And Lin did get to perform “How Far I’ll Go” with 16-year-old Auli’l Cravahlo, who plays Moana in the movie. SHE IS SO AWESOME.
Now, the moment you’ve been waiting for. Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway presented Best Picture and somehow got the wrong envelope, announcing La La Land. As the cast and crew were giving speeches, someone informed them that Moonlight had, in fact, won. HOLY SHIT. Not only is this hilariously coincidental because La La Land ends with a “What if” fake happy ending, but OH MY GOD MOONLIGHT. An indie film about a gay black man with an all black cast won Best Picture. This…this is the real moment of history. Of course, we’ll never forget the Steve Harveying that happened. But take a moment to consider how monumental this win is.
Below is the list of winners with the exception of Best Animated Short, Best Live-Action Short, Best Documentary Feature, Best Documentary Short, or Best Foreign Language Film (I didn’t make predictions for them). Let’s see how well I did…
Best Picture = WELL, SHIT
- Arrival
- Fences
- Hacksaw Ridge
- Hell or High Water
- Hidden Figures
- La La Land
- Lion
- Manchester by the Sea
- Moonlight
Best Actor = NAILED IT
- Andrew Garfield, Hacksaw Ridge
- Casey Affleck, Manchester by the Sea
- Denzel Washington, Fences
- Ryan Gosling, La La Land
- Viggo Mortensen, Captain Fantastic
Best Actress = NAILED IT
- Emma Stone, La La Land
- Isabelle Huppert, Elle
- Meryl Streep, Florence Foster Jenkins
- Natalie Portman, Jackie
- Ruth Negga, Loving
Best Supporting Actor = NAILED IT
- Dev Patel, Lion
- Jeff Bridges, Hell of High Water
- Lucas Hedges, Manchester by the Sea
- Mahershala Ali, Moonlight
- Michael Shannon, Nocturnal Animals
Best Supporting Actress = NAILED IT
- Michelle Williams, Manchester by the Sea
- Naomie Harris, Moonlight
- Nicole Kidman, Lion
- Octavia Spencer, Hidden Figures
- Viola Davis, Fences
Best Director = NAILED IT
- Barry Jenkins, Moonlight
- Damien Chazelle, La La Land
- Denis Villeneuve, Arrival
- Kenneth Lonergan, Manchester by the Sea
- Mel Gibson, Hacksaw Ridge
Best Original Screenplay = WELL, SHIT
- 20th Century Women
- Hell or High Water
- La La Land
- The Lobster
- Manchester by the Sea
Best Adapted Screenplay = NAILED IT
- Arrival
- Fences
- Hidden Figures
- Lion
- Moonlight
Best Cinematography = NAILED IT
- Arrival
- La La Land
- Lion
- Moonlight
- Silence
Best Production Design = WELL, SHIT
- Arrival
- Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
- Hail, Caesar!
- La La Land
- Passengers
Best Visual Effects = NAILED IT
- Deepwater Horizon
- Doctor Strange
- The Jungle Book
- Kubo and the Two Strings
- Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
Best Film Editing = WELL, SHIT
- Arrival
- Hacksaw Ridge
- Hell or High Water
- La La Land
- Moonlight
Best Sound Editing = NAILED IT
- Arrival
- Deepwater Horizon
- Hacksaw Ridge
- La La Land
- Sully
Best Sound Mixing = WELL, SHIT
- 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi
- Arrival
- Hacksaw Ridge
- La La Land
- Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
Best Original Score = NAILED IT
- Jackie
- La La Land
- Lion
- Moonlight
- Passengers
Best Original Song = NAILED IT
- “Audition (The Fools Who Dream)” – La La Land
- “Can’t Stop the Feeling” – Trolls
- “City of Stars” – La La Land
- “The Empty Chair” – Jim: The James Foley Story
- “How Far I’ll Go” – Moana
Best Costume Design = WELL, SHIT
- Allied
- Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
- Florence Foster Jenkins
- Jackie
- La La Land
Best Makeup & Hairstyling = WELL, SHIT
- A Man Called Ove
- Star Trek Beyond
- Suicide Squad
Best Animated Feature = NAILED IT
- Kubo and the Two Strings
- Moana
- My Life as a Zucchini
- The Red Turtle
- Zootopia
***
If you’re wondering how well I did by numbers: NAILED IT (12), WELL, SHIT (7). How did you guys do with your predictions?