Bailey’s 2017 Summer Blockbuster Guide

Though summer technically doesn’t start until June, in the world of movies, it starts the first week of May. And that week is finally here. Welcome to 2017 Summer Blockbuster Season!

Last summer felt less blockbuster, more lackluster (Thank you. I’ll be here all week. Try the roast beef). Besides Captain America: Civil WarThe Nice Guys, and The Shallows, nothing really stood out for me. The good news is this summer is PACKED with some seriously big movies.

The Guardians are back to save, you guessed it, the galaxy. Captain Jack Sparrow and Davy Will Turner are back, too…probably stealing some treasure or some shit. Lightning McQueen is back. Transformers are back. Gru is back. Spider-Man is back. Caesar is back. Seriously, who isn’t back? Well, there are a few newcomers. There’s an unsuspecting space crew that just can’t wait to get slaughtered by aliens, a kick-ass blonde secret agent, and most importantly, Wonder Woman, who finally makes her solo debut (and it only took f***ing eons for that to happen). All in all, there’s a lot for movie audiences to look forward to this summer.

Of course, there will still be the inevitable buckets of shit masquerading as “movies,” and I will almost certainly regret paying $10 for my admission to those films. But what can you expect? There’s always some good, some great, some meh, and some WTF. Let’s dive in!

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (May 5)

Verdict: “I’ll Have What She’s Having”

After the immense success of Guardians of the Galaxy in 2014, Vol. 2 has the tricky feat of further developing its characters and raising the stakes while maintaining the vibe audiences loved about the first film. And I have no doubt they’ll recapture the magic. This time, Karen Gillan’s Nebula, Michael Rooker’s Yondu, and Pom Klementieff’s Mantis join the team, and we get Kurt Russell as Star-Lord’s father. Plus, Baby Groot will undoubtedly steal the show.

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword (May 12)

Verdict: “Frankly, My Dear, I Don’t Give a Damn”

I want to like this. I do. Director Guy Ritchie didn’t disappoint with Sherlock Holmes or with The Man From U.N.C.L.E., but I just…I don’t know about this one. I feel like it’s going to flop. 

Snatched (May 12)

Verdict: “Mrs. Robinson, You’re Trying to Seduce Me, Aren’t You?”

Snatched has the right elements to be a successful comedy. Popular comedian + Hollywood veteran sweetheart + R-rating. But part of me isn’t that into it, and I think it’s because Amy Schumer’s white feminist “talk about my pussy” schtick has worn thin since Trainwreck.

Everything, Everything (May 19)

Verdict: “Mrs. Robinson, You’re Trying to Seduce Me, Aren’t You?”

I can’t remember which movie reviewer pointed this out, but they said there’s a sub-genre of young adult films that’s basically “cancer teen(s) falling in love.” Like The Fault in Our StarsA Walk to Remember, etc. And that’s all I could think about when I saw this trailer. Though this isn’t a story about a teen with cancer (as far as I know), it does seem to follow the same setup as the aforementioned films. The good news is this movie stars Amandla Stenberg (The Hunger Games‘ Rue), who is excellent! The bad news is soooo much cheeeeese.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (May 19)

Verdict: “Frankly, My Dear, I Don’t Give a Damn”

Alicia Silverstone deserves better.

Alien: Covenant (May 19)

Verdict: “I’ll Have What She’s Having”

Ridley Scott brings us yet another film in the Alien franchise, and goddamnit I’m excited. If you haven’t been keeping up with this film, that’s because the marketing has been bonkers. Here’s what you need to know: This film falls between the timelines of Prometheus and Alien and has a fascinating cast that includes Katherine Waterston, Michael Fassbender, James Franco, Danny McBride, Billy Crudup, Demian Bechir, and maybe Noomi Rapace (from Prometheus).

Baywatch (May 25)

Verdict: “I’ll Have What She’s Having”

Am I having a stroke, or does Baywatch look like a blast? A douchey, ridiculous blast that’s an excuse for Zac Efron to justify his existence as an actor, but a blast nonetheless! Plus, remember what we talked about with Fate of the Furious? The Rock is movie gold.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (May 26)

Verdict: “I’ll Have What She’s Having”

You know, I wasn’t excited for this one at first because Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides left a bad taste in my mouth. But it’s growing on me. Javier Bardem looks batshit crazy as Captain Salazar, and the CGI with the dead pirates looks so cool. They may also be getting a nostalgia boost for bringing Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley back, too. Yay, pirate friends!

Wonder Woman (June 2)

Verdict: “I’ll Have What She’s Having”

All of the other movies can go toss themselves. Wonder Woman is the one I want. Kidding (but not really). It’s about goddamn time Wonder Woman made it to the screen. She is LEGEND, and it’s criminal that she had to share the spotlight with vanilla cardboard Superman and Batfleck in the meh Batman v. Superman, of which she was the best part. Let’s just hope Zack Snyder didn’t leave his dark, gritty, “creative vision” fingerprints all over Patty Jenkins’ film.

Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie (June 2)

Verdict: “Frankly, My Dear, I Don’t Give a Damn”

OF COURSE DreamWorks—the studio that can’t make one animated film without at least 17 butt jokes—is making a Captain Underpants movie. Also, I’d like to point out that this book first came out when I was seven. Seven. Sevvvveeennn. And 20 years later, they’re making it into a movie. My nostalgia runs deep for a lot of things, but Captain Underpants isn’t one of them.

The Mummy (June 9)

Verdict: “Mrs. Robinson, You’re Trying to Seduce Me, Aren’t You?”

Look, this movie will be cool and maybe even a little scary. But I’m annoyed that they’re taking what was an adventure film rooted in Egyptian mythology starring Hot Brendan Fraser and rebooting it into Mission Impossible: Mummy starring Scientology’s Ken Doll. Not to mention, they want this to start a “shared monster cinematic universe.” Whyyyyyy.

Cars 3 (June 16)

Verdict: “Mrs. Robinson, You’re Trying to Seduce Me, Aren’t You?”

*whispers* Cars is the lesser of Pixar’s films in both animation and storytelling. *runs away*

Rough Night (June 16)

Verdict: “Mrs. Robinson, You’re Trying to Seduce Me, Aren’t You?”

Blah blah blah some comparison to The Hangover and Bridesmaids blah blah blah. Here’s what I’ll say about this one. You can never go wrong with Kate McKinnon and Jillian Bell, but there’s something here that’s not quite sticking. Maybe they’re hiding the best jokes…?

Transformers: The Last Knight (June 23)

Verdict: “Frankly, My Dear, I Don’t Give a Damn”

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP BEATING THIS HORSE IT’S ALREADY DEAD.

Baby Driver (June 28)

Verdict: “I’ll Have What She’s Having”

You had me at Edgar Wright film starring Jamie Foxx and Kevin Spacey.

Despicable Me 3 (June 30)

Verdict: “I’ll Have What She’s Having”

I adore the Despicable Me series. A crotchety villain (voiced by Steve Carell) whose heart is warmed by three little girls? Sign me up. Then you have said villain balancing being a villain while raising said little girls and trying to find them a mother? Loved it. And now you introduce the idea of said villain having a twin brother who can join him on wacky villain hijinks? GIVE ME IT NOW. But please, for the love of Gru, keep the minions to a minimum.

The House (June 30)

Verdict: “I’ll Have What She’s Having”

This movie could very well turn out to be…not great. I don’t care. I’m so here for Will Ferrell and Amy Poehler. They’re the awkward-cool parents we could only dream of having.

Spider-Man: Homecoming (July 7)

Verdict: “I’ll Have What She’s Having”

Tom Holland is the youthful, plucky Spider-Man we’ve needed all along (and all it took was Sony f***ing up enough to realize they needed some help from Marvel Studios). But he’s not the only thing to love about this movie. There’s also Peter Parker and Tony Stark’s relationship, Michael Keaton as a villain, and Zendaya!

War for the Planet of the Apes (July 14)

Verdict: “I’ll Have What She’s Having”

The rebooted Planet of the Apes is one of the most surprisingly good series from the last decade. Rise was good. Dawn was better. I can’t wait to see what’s in store for War.

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (July 21)

Verdict: “I’ll Have What She’s Having”

Luc Besson can make some weird ass films. Remember Lucy? But he’s also made cult classics like The Professional and The Fifth Element (one of my favorites). Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets is giving me some serious Fifth Element vibes, and it looks GORGEOUS.

Dunkirk (July 21)

Verdict: “I’ll Have What She’s Having”

There are waaaaay too many WWII movies in existence, and frankly I’m a little fatigued by them. However, I will make an exception for Christopher Nolan’s Dunkirk because, god, this looks intense. Every scene in this trailer is depressing, downright terrifying, and beautiful.

Girls Trip (July 21)

Verdict: “Mrs. Robinson, You’re Trying to Seduce Me, Aren’t You?”

Girls Trip doesn’t look great, but it also doesn’t look terrible. Like the part in the trailer where Jada Pinkett Smith pees all over people below her while swinging cracks me up every time. But I’m worried all of the best lines and moments are in this trailer. It’s too bad sleepovers aren’t a thing for adults because this would be a good sleepover movie.

The Emoji Movie (July 28)

Verdict: “Frankly, My Dear, I Don’t Give a Damn”

F*** off, Sony.

Atomic Blonde (July 28)

Verdict: “I’ll Have What She’s Having”

God, this movie looks hot. It’s like James Bond meets John Wick meets Charlize Theron. You can bet your ass I’ll be seeing this one. And I may need a cold shower afterward.

Detroit (August 4)

Verdict: “I’ll Have What She’s Having”

Oscar-winning director Kathryn Bigelow (The Hurt Locker, Zero Dark Thirty) tackles the 1967 police raid that led to an enormous riot in Detroit. The film stars John Boyega and Anthony Mackie. I don’t want to be the douche who starts Oscar talk in May, but can we at least agree that it seems like Bigelow wants us to talk about it? Something to keep an eye on…

Annabelle: Creation (August 11)

Verdict: “Frankly, My Dear, I Don’t Give a Damn”

It’s not summer blockbuster season unless there’s at least one horror movie sequel.

The Hitman’s Bodyguard (August 18)

Verdict: “I’ll Have What She’s Having”

Solid reference to The Bodyguard aside, HOW DID NOBODY THINK OF THIS PAIRING UNTIL NOW? Two actors who are literally caricatures of themselves. It’s so perfect!

Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature (August 18)

Verdict: “Frankly, My Dear, I Don’t Give a Damn”

I don’t even remember the first film being that good. Why are they making another?

Leap (August 30)

Verdict: “Mrs. Robinson, You’re Trying to Seduce Me, Aren’t You?”

This feels like a very safe film, right? It’s about following your dreams, which is sweet, but we’ve seen it a million times. Kids will love it, and adults won’t want to blow their brains out, so that’s good. But safe and sweet don’t always hold up over time, nor are they memorable.

***

What movies are you looking forward to this summer?

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