Transformers: The Last Knight a.k.a WHAT THE F*** DID I JUST WATCH

After I saw Transformers: Age of Extinction, I didn’t think it was possible for Michael Bay to make a worse movie. Because it was bad. Painfully bad. So much so that I thought he’d straight-up drop this franchise into the ocean like Megatron and pretend it never existed. I was wrong.

Like Megatron, Bay keeps coming back to ruin everyone’s lives. That’s why we now have Transformers: The Last Knight. Easily the worst movie of the entire franchise, it makes Age of Extinction seem coherent. Even saying that doesn’t do justice to how much of a lobotomy this movie is. Oh, sure, that $200 million budget makes everything look nice, which is the only thing saving the movie from an F grade. But a turd wrapped in millions of dollars is still a turd.

I’m going to do something a little bit different for this review because, well, Transformers: The Last Knight is IMPOSSIBLE to comprehend, thanks to its hodgepodge of whatthefuckery. So instead of breaking down and discussing aspects of the movie as I normally would, I’d like to share with you the notes and reactions I wrote down during and right after the movie.

We open during the Dark Ages. King Arthur and his knights are fighting the Saxons (I already saw this movie with Clive Owen in 2004). Hold up. King Arthur is played by the actor who played King Arthur on Once Upon a Time. Talk about typecast. HOLD UP. Stanley Tucci is playing a drunken Merlin. I’m here for this. (Wait, didn’t he also play the bad guy in Transformers: Age of Extinction?)

The transformer that helps King Arthur is a dragon. Because of course.

Remember Drift, the samurai transformer (i.e., the offensive Asian stereotype)? He was a Bugatti in the last movie, which I only remember because I thought it was weird to double-down on the Asian thing then have it be a French car. Now he’s a Mercedes Benz…? Get that product placement money, Michael Bay.

We cut to tons of place around the world with little explanation of what the hell is going on. There’s Josh Duhamel. Guess he’s back. John Turturro is back, too. But he just makes phone calls from Cuba. Not a waste of a cameo or anything.

New “hot girl” is a Megan Fox/Angelina Jolie lookalike. Bay definitely has a type.

Can we talk about the name Cade Yeager? (That’s Mark Wahlberg.) Because Cade Yeager is a dumb fucking name.

Husband leaned over and asked if the “junk trader” transformer (voiced by Steve Buscemi) is supposed to be a Jewish stereotype like Watto in The Phantom Menace. Considering that other transformers in past movies (and this movie) have been gross stereotypes of races/nationalities, I’m going to assume yep.

This TRF organization is hunting down transformers, but no one ever says what that acronym stands for, so that’s cool (I say Turd Repo Force). OH WOW. The TRF drones look like TIE fighters. I hope Disney/Lucasfilm sues their asses.

So I guess that sassy little girl from the trailer isn’t going to be in the movie? They introduced her, and now Marky Mark is leaving her behind like nah kid, this is my movie. Her name is Izabella WITH A Z, Marky Mark! How dare you!

Creepy Michael Bay strikes again! The Megan Fox/Angelina Jolie lookalike is a hot, intelligent Oxford professor who dresses like a hot, intelligent professor would if she were in Michael Bay’s wet dream. And her female relatives keep asking why she can’t get a boyfriend. If only Michael Bay’s Cade Yeager’s dick were available!

I literally have no idea what is happening.

Cool, cool, cool we’re going to set up tables in the goddamn desert to have a lawyer meeting with Megatron, which…what? (Side note: How many times have they killed this fucker? At least three or four, right?) Guys. GUYS WHAT IS THIS? I don’t even understand what is happening. The Decepticons are getting a Suicide Squad treatment. Like the government is asking for their cooperation, and they’re doing one of those prison montages. This is Suicide Squad: Decepticons.

Marky Mark and hot professor make me miss Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox.

Um, excuse me? Sir Anthony Hopkins just said the phrase “bitchin’ car.” NOPE.

Something about a society of “Witwiccans” that protected the secret of the transformers since the time of King Arthur? Like the Order of Merlin, but not the Order of Merlin. Sam Witwicky was part of that, I guess. But he and his family were the only ones with the name “Witwicky,” so cool consistency, my dudes.

Wait, Sir Anthony Hopkins is informing me that Bumblebee fought Nazis and a transformer watch killed Hitler. If I’m being honest, I’d rather watch that movie.

DID HE SERIOUSLY JUST SAY HARRIET TUBMAN KNEW ABOUT THE TRANSFORMERS? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHAT EVEN IS THIS MOVIE

Sir Anthony Hopkins’ 4-foot-tall transformer butler who claims to be a sociopath (That’s…cool?) keeps trying to add theme music behind the people’s conversation to make it “epic.” Maybe he also helps write the Transformers plots.

Also, this movie has transformer dinosaurs, a transformer dragon, and a transformer ninja butler sociopath, and we’re following the people? Why?

What is this movie even trying to be?! Game of Thrones? The Da Vinci Code? Suicide Squad? Aliens? TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME MICHAEL BAY.

NASA guy (It’s Buster Bluth!) keeps talking about understanding physics, yet he’s explaining physics like he’s on an old Star Trek episode. “See, we’re like a bag of Jiffy Pop.” No. That’s not how that works. Get your head out of your ass.

*what is happening feeling intensifies*

Optimus is making yet another speech. This bitch, I swear. Maybe if he spent less time speechifying and more time fighting, he wouldn’t have fucking Decepticons and crazy floaty alien transformer goddesses all up in his shit. To make it worse, one of the humans said “I got goosebumps” after his speech. DON’T TELL ME HOW TO FEEL, YOU PATHETIC EXCUSES FOR WRITERS.

Jesus, this climax is like watching special effects technicians in a circle-jerk.

Megatron’s whole crew got obliterated. Guess that ends Suicide Squad: Decepticons.

Bumblebee dropped a “sting like a bee” line. I just audibly groaned.

Okay, fuck this. This better be the last movie.

NOOOOOOOOO THE CREDITS SCENE SUGGESTS ANOTHER NOOOOOOOOOO.

That should tell you everything you need to know. Now, please for the love of god, do yourself a favor, and do NOT see this movie (unless you’re drunk and want a good laugh).

Transformers: The Last Knight: D

Listen to my review of Transformers: The Last Knight on “Pat & JT in the Morning” here (at 9:52).

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