Denzel Washington, Chris Pratt in The Magnificent Seven (2016)

The Magnificent Seven: It’s All Shoot ‘Em Up, Blow ‘Em Up

The Magnificent Seven is one of those remakes that didn’t need to happen (because the 1960 version of the same name starring Yul Brynner and Steve McQueen is a classic). But since it did happen, I’m glad it’s nothing like most of the remakes we’ve seen. That is, this at least held up the entertainment end of “mindless entertainment.” Continue reading “The Magnificent Seven: It’s All Shoot ‘Em Up, Blow ‘Em Up”

Ghostbusters (2016)

Ghostbusters: Ain’t No Bitches Gonna Hunt No Ghosts

I’m going to get right to the point here. New Ghostbusters isn’t perfect, but it’s still more entertaining than half of the cinematic garbage that’s come out this summer. If you’re not sold on it, fine. This review isn’t for you. If, however, you are interested in seeing the reboot of the 1984 beloved comedy, let’s review! Continue reading “Ghostbusters: Ain’t No Bitches Gonna Hunt No Ghosts”

Alexander Skarsgard as Tarzan in The Legend of Tarzan

The Legend of Tarzan: Hey, At Least It’s Pretty

Let me spare you the agony of reading this whole review if you’re not interested in The Legend of Tarzan beyond Alexander Skarsgård’s body (I’m not judging. He’s a gorgeous Swedish viking sex god). He doesn’t take his shirt off until midway through the second act. In a movie that’s only 109 minutes long, that’s waaaaay too long to get to the meat, if you will. And the sex scene where Margot Robbie supposedly punched him for animalistic passion? Nicholas Sparks level of vanilla. If you were hoping for dirty panting jungle sex between two really, really beautiful people, you won’t get it. Continue reading “The Legend of Tarzan: Hey, At Least It’s Pretty”

Levi Miller Pan 2015

Pan Is a Garbage Remake That Doesn’t Deserve Your Time or Money

Peter (Levi Miller) is snatched from his London orphanage and shanghaied into Blackbeard (Hugh Jackman)’s Neverland work camp for orphaned boys. There, he meets James Hook (Garrett Hedlund), who helps him escape into the jungle after Peter reveals to Blackbeard that he has the ability to fly. Continue reading “Pan Is a Garbage Remake That Doesn’t Deserve Your Time or Money”