War for the Planet of the Apes (2017)

Slackers Gotta Slack: Let’s Play Movie Catchup!

So I’ve been bad about writing reviews this month. Because summer and shit. You know how it goes. Eating too much barbecue, doing things outside, occasionally getting super depressed thinking about how the inevitable heat death of the universe is coming for us all. The usual stuff. And hey! I managed to tackle Spider-Man: Homecoming, so that’s an accomplishment. But I still have drafts sitting open for Baby DriverWar for the Planet of the Apes, and Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets that, let’s be honest, I’m not going to finish. So I figured, screw it, let’s just drop a quick review for each into a single post. That way, we can get caught up! Continue reading “Slackers Gotta Slack: Let’s Play Movie Catchup!”

Optimus Prime in Transformers: The Last Knight

Transformers: The Last Knight a.k.a WHAT THE F*** DID I JUST WATCH

After I saw Transformers: Age of Extinction, I didn’t think it was possible for Michael Bay to make a worse movie. Because it was bad. Painfully bad. So much so that I thought he’d straight-up drop this franchise into the ocean like Megatron and pretend it never existed. I was wrong. Continue reading “Transformers: The Last Knight a.k.a WHAT THE F*** DID I JUST WATCH”

Javier Bardem in Pirates of the Caribbean 5

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales: Can This Franchise Die Now?

Back when Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl came out, it was kind of crazy how much fun a movie based on a cheesy theme park ride at Disney World was. And while we can debate the merits of Dead Man’s Chest and At World’s End, they created a decent action-adventure trilogy. Then came On Stranger Tides, a bloated garbage fire of a movie sans two of Pirates‘ three main stars and all of the magic of the first three films. If it weren’t for foreign box offices, Disney wouldn’t have broken even on that crap. Which made the idea of Dead Men Tell No Tales, the fifth installment, seem like a not-so-great idea. But, of course, money. Having seen Dead Men Tell No Tales, I can say confidently that Pirates needs to go away for good. Continue reading “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales: Can This Franchise Die Now?”

Alien: Covenant (2017)

Alien: Covenant Feels More Like a Frankenstein Movie Than an Alien Movie

I’ll cut to the chase. Alien: Covenant is better than Prometheus, but it’s not (nor will any movie in this franchise ever be) better than Alien or Aliens. Cool? Cool. Let’s dive into the movie now. Continue reading “Alien: Covenant Feels More Like a Frankenstein Movie Than an Alien Movie”

Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017)

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2: Come for the Music, Stay for the Laughs

This should be obvious by now, but I have to say it anyway. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 is a vibrant explosion of fun, and I don’t know what you’re doing with your life if you haven’t seen it. Now that that’s out of the way, we pick up where we left off from Guardians of the GalaxyContinue reading “Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2: Come for the Music, Stay for the Laughs”

Charlize Theron and Vin Diesel in Fate of the Furious (2017)

Fate of the Furious: I’m Still Down for the Ride

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again. The moment The Fast & The Furious franchise steered into the skid, fully embracing how ridiculous it is, that’s when the movies started getting good. Continue reading “Fate of the Furious: I’m Still Down for the Ride”