If you’re tired of the scalding takes on social media, allow me to be the metaphorical beeswax balm to your metaphorical chapped lips. Honey, I’ve got some lukewarm takes that will have you saying, “Wow, none of this matters!” And that’s the point. I want you to read this brief cancellation rant, get a little chuckle, and go on about your day. Because that’s the kind of world we deserve. Let’s do it.
You might have been in once, but guess what? You’re out…
“See the Caption”
I swear to all that is holy, if I see another TikTok or Reel where the person in the video points at the caption, suggesting that I “see the caption” for more information, I’m going to unplug the internet. (You think I’m kidding about the plug, but the internet makes berth somewhere in a mess of cables and servers. Probably Florida.) The reason you created the video was to share information. So why aren’t you sharing it in your chosen medium? If you were going to share written details, get a blog like a very cool and very normal, well-adjusted person. Oh, but I forgot. You’re an influencer. It’s funny how the only kind of influencing you people know how to do is to reinvent something that already exists and make it worse. In this case, literacy. Thank you for your service.
Early Halloween
Look, I get it. We live in a society that thinks it’s generous to only give people two weeks of vacation (if that) each year, so any time there’s a holiday coming up, we look forward to it. We want to start celebrating as soon as possible so it can carry us into the next holiday and help us forget that we have to work 40+ hours a week. But y’all, I need you to stop saying it’s time for Halloween the moment Fourth of July ends. (Halloween, listen…do not be the Cady Heron to Christmas’ Regina George. Do not be that girl.) I already have a hard enough time remembering what the hell day and month it is, let alone the season. Pushing holidays three months beyond their single day of celebration makes it harder. Plus, it’s still like 100 degrees out right now, and half of the West Coast is on fire. Do not be out here talking to me about “spooky season” when I have underboob sweat. Spooky season is for chills and thrills, not heat stroke and sky smoke. I’ll see you in October.
A Hot Spice That’s Mild
Every time I order a dish that’s intended to be spicy, and the server (or online ordering system) asks me what level of spice I want, I typically opt for “hot” because I love spicy, flavorful food and pretending that I don’t have IBS. And yet, every time I get said “hot” dish, the spice level is mild at best. Like a salsa at Applebee’s level mild. What gives? I understand that a name like Bailey Hemphill probably doesn’t inspire a lot of confidence among restaurants regarding my ability to handle spicy food—it’s the name equivalent of eating beans on toast before colonizing a small island nation. But help a lady out here, chef! I’m trying to burn my insides with your delicious food. I want to feel something. I need to remember that I’m alive and that life is worth living. You’re my cure, my apothecary! Don’t give me mild when I said I hold with those who favor fire.
Consider this your cancellation notice.
Featured image by ABHISHEK HAJARE on Unsplash
bailsofhemp.com 