Today, I’d like to share with you some lukewarm takes on things that I wish would go away for the betterment of society. Mind you, these are small potatoes compared to actual problems, so adjust your expectations accordingly. Nevertheless, somebody needs to fight these battles, so allow me to die on these hills for you. If I had the authority to personally cancel these things (I don’t), I would.
You might have been in once, but guess what? You’re out…
The Gray-ening
Contemporary interior design has been besieged by the gray plague for decades now. Gray cabinets, gray countertops, gray vinyl plank flooring, gray finishes on hardware. It must be stopped. Long has our design trend lord, the Steward of Graydor, kept the forces of Color at bay. By the neutrality of his paint are our lands kept dull. Give Color the weapon of the enemy! (Sorry, reeling it in.) I’m just tired of home design being so minimalist and boring. It makes sense for rental homes where people move in and out all the time to be slathered in neutrals that allow for any manner of home decor to fit in. But every time a house goes on the market with an “updated kitchen” or “remodeled living room” that’s just a gray blob…a piece of me dies inside.
Excessive Subscriptions
Hey, guys. Not everything needs a subscription model. It’s one thing to implement subscription models with media. Newspapers, magazines, podcasts, newsletters, streaming services, movie passes, etc. There’s a consistent rollout of new media, so you’re paying for an ongoing service. But why are products like cars and appliances out here with subscription models? “Oh, it’s for add-on features like radio and bluetooth!” You mean those things that were already built into the product, the things that you’re now asking me to pay to activate and use? That’s trash. Even retailers are starting to go in on the scam. Why do I need a membership to buy underwear now? Baby, this is not a gym. If I purchased and own this product, I’m not going to keep paying you to use it.
Twists on Tacos
You know what’s a perfect food? Tacos. You know what doesn’t need a culinary reimagining? Tacos. So why are so many restaurants out here trying to improve upon tacos? If I drive by a restaurant with gentrification font that says “A Fresh Spin on Tacos,” I know those are going to be the worst tacos ever made. Like kimchi in a cauliflower tortilla or something. All spectacle, no consideration of taste. I saw a menu recently that had a “gyro taco,” and…I’m sorry, what? Those are two different types of foods from two different cultures, and your gross food is insulting to both. “No, see! It’s chicken and tomatoes in a folded pita, but we swapped tzatziki for queso!” Okay, so, that’s not a taco then—that’s just a gyro with a cheese sauce that doesn’t quite work. Look, unless you’re out here living más with the innovators at Taco Bell, leave tacos alone. They’re fine the way they are.
Consider this your cancellation notice, gray subscription tacos.
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