Optimus Prime in Transformers: The Last Knight

Transformers: The Last Knight a.k.a WHAT THE F*** DID I JUST WATCH

After I saw Transformers: Age of Extinction, I didn’t think it was possible for Michael Bay to make a worse movie. Because it was bad. Painfully bad. So much so that I thought he’d straight-up drop this franchise into the ocean like Megatron and pretend it never existed. I was wrong. Continue reading “Transformers: The Last Knight a.k.a WHAT THE F*** DID I JUST WATCH”

Sofia Boutella as Ahmanet in The Mummy (2017)

The Mummy: Well, That’s One Way to Kill a Cinematic Universe Before It Starts

So that was the worst piece of crap I’ve ever seen. Okay, that might be a slight exaggeration because I did sit through Dumb and Dumber To, which made me want to drink bleach, but at least that hot garbage wasn’t trying to kick off a “cinematic universe.” I’ll have more thoughts on that in a moment, but let’s talk about the plot of The Mummy first (I use “plot” loosely here). Continue reading “The Mummy: Well, That’s One Way to Kill a Cinematic Universe Before It Starts”

Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman Can Take All My Money

Oh, hey. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but there’s this little flick out called Wonder Woman right now. Not a huge deal or whatever. Just a feature film directed by a woman about a female superhero who happens to be comic book and pop culture legend. I mean, it’s not like fans have been asking for this for years or anything. Or that it’s totally proving Hollywood wrong about how they think audiences don’t want to watch (let alone care about) women’s stories. Or that it’s stomping the circle-jerk among production companies that say women directors just can’t helm a big budget blockbuster. Nah, this is definitely nothing to celebrate. Continue reading “Wonder Woman Can Take All My Money”

Javier Bardem in Pirates of the Caribbean 5

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales: Can This Franchise Die Now?

Back when Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl came out, it was kind of crazy how much fun a movie based on a cheesy theme park ride at Disney World was. And while we can debate the merits of Dead Man’s Chest and At World’s End, they created a decent action-adventure trilogy. Then came On Stranger Tides, a bloated garbage fire of a movie sans two of Pirates‘ three main stars and all of the magic of the first three films. If it weren’t for foreign box offices, Disney wouldn’t have broken even on that crap. Which made the idea of Dead Men Tell No Tales, the fifth installment, seem like a not-so-great idea. But, of course, money. Having seen Dead Men Tell No Tales, I can say confidently that Pirates needs to go away for good. Continue reading “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales: Can This Franchise Die Now?”

Alien: Covenant (2017)

Alien: Covenant Feels More Like a Frankenstein Movie Than an Alien Movie

I’ll cut to the chase. Alien: Covenant is better than Prometheus, but it’s not (nor will any movie in this franchise ever be) better than Alien or Aliens. Cool? Cool. Let’s dive into the movie now. Continue reading “Alien: Covenant Feels More Like a Frankenstein Movie Than an Alien Movie”

Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017)

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2: Come for the Music, Stay for the Laughs

This should be obvious by now, but I have to say it anyway. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 is a vibrant explosion of fun, and I don’t know what you’re doing with your life if you haven’t seen it. Now that that’s out of the way, we pick up where we left off from Guardians of the GalaxyContinue reading “Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2: Come for the Music, Stay for the Laughs”